all i did was just watch the trailer for the movie “united 93″ and i started bawling.  watching what could have happened on that fateful flight on that horrible day made me remember and reflect the events that happened.  i remember crying on the way to work, calling my friend on his cell phone to ask him to call someone to let us know that he was okay and just getting his voicemail.  i remember going to work and my coworker laura coming into my cubicle and i just looked up with tears in my eyes and just her hugging and holding me.  i remember chris my friend and coworker holding me as i just broke down.  i remember the director pulling me into her office and trying to comfort me and telling me to go home and call her just so she knew i was okay.  i remember just crying the entire day and just taking off from work early because i couldn’t take it anymore.  i thought i’d be okay you know?  it’s been almost 5 years since this happened.  but just watching the trailer for “united 93″ made me realize that i’m not 100% okay.  that it still hurts.  that it still affects me.  that i miss my friend so much.  i wish i could talk to him and just be with him for a few moments.  but i can’t.  i can only do that in my dreams.  i miss him still.

mila went for her 6 month checkup with uncle kenny, her pediatric dentist.  i’ve known kenny since 2002 when he was working as a pediatric dentist in the bronx so it was just a natural choice to take mila to him when it was time.  apparently it was quite an adventure at the dentist’s office yesterday.  ed said that it took 4 people to hold mila down so that kenny could floss her teeth.  who knew that a little 2.5 year old could be so freaking strong.    here is a picture of miss thing asleep this morning. if you look closely, you can see the battle wound from yesterday’s adventures at the dentist’s office….. 

how freaking ironic…  both brooke shields and katie holmes gave birth to babies today…  LOL.. actually that makes me laugh.  because of the fact that last year tom cruise was putting brooke shields down because she decided to take hold of her postpartum depression with the help of therapy and paxil…  i wonder what is going to happen if / when katie holmes has postpartum depression.  you know he is probably going to tell katie to suck it up, do some exercise and take some vitamins… because he is so all-knowing when it comes to pregnancy and the aftermath of it all.  not to wish any ill will on katie holmes at all… but i’m just worried about that child….  i mean, she is engaged to tom cruise who believes that he can fix anything with scientology.  that to get over postpartum depression all she needs to do is exercise and take vitamins… sometimes some compassion for a woman who has gone through a life changing, body expanding experience helps so much more than barking orders to exercise and ingest vitamins.  hopefully he is human enough to do that for katie… 

mila and i were in la this weekend… she fell sick and this is what happened…  she gets spoiled by her grandmother and her great grandmother… now all she wants to eat is freaking cookies!!!! thanks a lot mom!!!!

just got back from la – went for ed’s cousin’s wedding in huntington beach and then visited my side of the family….

the wedding was beautiful…. his family is huge!!! 

went to see my grandfather and my two grandmothers…  it was nice to see them all but sad for me at the same time.  i see how much they’ve deteriorated since the last time i’ve seen them but they are still hanging in there.  my grandfather is in a convalescent home because he needs the 24/7 care.  it’s hard to see someone who was so independent and so strong become so frail and weak.  he didn’t recognize me this time.  even though i wrote my name in chinese for him on a piece of paper.  i even wrote that i was my mother’s daughter and he looked so confused and kept saying my name in chinese as if he were asking if it were really me.  mila normally gets very shy and freaked out by new people she meets or people she hasn’t seen in a long time.  she was neither scared nor shy with my grandfather.  she kept saying, “hi great grandfather” in chinese and talking to him.  it seemed like they had some kind of a connection or something.  the nurse that was taking care of him gave him four crayons and some sheets from a coloring book so he could color.  mila took the paper and put it in front of the both of them and handed him a crayon.  it was so cute and sweet to see the both of them coloring.  when i went to get something from my bag ed said that mila was holding my grandfather’s hand for awhile and that my grandfather started to well up with tears and tears fell down his face.  i know his time is coming to an end.  he isn’t the same but he is pretty good for 93 going on 94 years old.  i think i’m just sad because i know i will one day get a call that he has passed and i’m just trying to hold on to as many of the memories of him that i can. 

i have been on hiatus for such a long time on xanga.  i mean, i would update once in a blue moon but nothing too extensive.. i have a few minutes to spare so i thought i’d write something here quickly.  i’ve been so busy at work since one of the girls is on maternity leave and they have given me a lot of her responsibilities – so been in meetings after meetings, testing environments, trying to learn all the things that M did whilst she was at work and taking over some other things have really been overwhelming.  i am glad for the opportunity to show the higher ups that i am capable of taking on a lot but i am still not 100% comfortable with everything that is being thrown my way.  i’ve been trying to stay afloat by the grace of god truly and through help from some of my fellow coworkers.  thank god for them. 

anyway, i got my new craig david cd… it’s actually an import from the uk and i paid a pretty penny for it but i don’t care.  he has such an awesome voice and a nice butt… 

there’s only us

there’s only this

forget regret

or life is yours to miss

no other road

no other way

no day but today…….

i have found pilates again in my life.  i used to be so religious and so disciplined about going to pilates class every week prior to having a baby.  i even went to pilates during my pregnancy up to about a week before my baby girl was born.  since the baby was born, i would go to pilates sporadically.  but my best friend found a pilates studio 5 minutes from our work.  i started last week and have been trying to go to the mat class at least three times a week.  the burn, the soreness, the achiness of my muscles are killing me.  but i am happy nonetheless because i know that i am working towards my goal to get back into shape and back to my pre-baby body!!!!

Driver failed to beat train

MAN’S APPARENT IMPATIENCE COSTS GIRLFRIEND HER LIFE AS CALTRAIN SLAMS PICKUP TRUCK AT BARRED CROSSING

By Kimra McPherson

Mercury News

A man whose pickup truck was smashed by a commuter train Monday in Morgan Hill apparently became impatient after getting stuck at a crossing and decided to forge ahead despite the lowered crossing gates, police said Tuesday.

Nathan Schrock, 20, of Gilroy, was seriously injured when his truck was struck by a southbound Caltrain liner about 6:50 p.m., said Cmdr. Joe Sampson of the Morgan Hill Police Department. Schrock’s passenger, Jacqueline Gamboa, 18, of Gilroy, was killed.

Police said Schrock was driving his 1995 GMC Sonoma pickup north on Railroad Avenue, intending to turn left and head west on San Pedro Avenue. He was stopped behind two other vehicles, one on Railroad Avenue and one waiting at the railroad crossing on San Pedro Avenue. The gates at the crossing were down and the lights were flashing, indicating the oncoming train on the way to Gilroy, Sampson said.

Witnesses told police they saw Schrock become agitated and then drive past the vehicles stopped in front of him, Sampson said. Schrock then started to drive his truck around the gates as passengers in one of the nearby vehicles called out for him to stop, Sampson said. Before he could make it across, the train came.

Schrock’s truck “essentially was cut in half,” Sampson said.

Gamboa, Schrock’s girlfriend, was ejected from the truck and fatally injured, Sampson said.

Schrock also was ejected from the truck and was taken by helicopter to a local hospital with severe head trauma and other injuries, Sampson said. He was listed in critical but stable condition Tuesday and had regained consciousness.

DMV records show Schrock had a valid driver’s license with only one blemish on his record — a citation a year ago for not wearing his seat belt.

Sampson said he did not know whether the pair were belted in — or whether it would have mattered.

No one was hurt on the commuter train, said Jonah Weinberg, a Caltrain spokesman. Commuters were transferred to buses shortly after the accident. The train, which sustained no serious damage, was back in service in the morning.

Weinberg said the last fatality from a Caltrain collision with another vehicle was in 2004 in South San Francisco.

Morgan Hill police are investigating whether drugs or alcohol were involved or whether criminal charges against Schrock are warranted, Sampson said.

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WhenI found out about this accident on Tuesday morning from my boss, Irealized that I had worked with the girl’s mother at the company I amcurrently at.  She is so torn up inside about this whole situationbecause that was her baby.  I feel so badly for her.  Being amother, I realized that this is probably one of the worst things thatcan happen – when your child dies before you do.  The girl wasonly 18 years old and had so much life ahead of her.  My thoughtsand prayers are with the Gamboa family.  Rest in Peace JacquelineGamboa. 

you know i must be bored to post this….

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren’t afraid to bring it out when the time is right.But you also know when to hang back and keep your “crazy chick” persona in check.In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it…You may look mild mannered, but it’s all an act!