so i finally have a chance to upload the picture that ed took of shortie and myself on mother’s day… see… we’re wearing the same things…  white tunics from the old navy (of course), olive green cargo pants and silver shoes… although ed didn’t capture the shoes.. but i swear we wore the same color shoes… she wore silver puma bashy shoes and i wore silver open-toed heels… 

i just recently finished reading brooke shield’s book down came the rain:  my journey through postpartum depression…  after reading her book and seeing what she went through after she gave birth to her daughter rowan, i realized that what i thought was just baby blues was truly mild postpartum depression.. the kinds of thoughts that she wrote about in her book, i had some of the same ones.. i could relate to her in so many ways that i started to get chills down my spine… i didn’t have it as bad as she did, but i did feel very much the same about the overwhelming, unhappy feelings when i always imagined that i would be over the moon after having a baby..  for brooke shields, she said that taking medication helped her get through a really tough time… but for me, i really truly believe what saved me was going to the new mother’s support group called “baby and me…”  i honestly don’t know how i would have coped if it weren’t for those group of women and becky may, the facilitator…  i’m glad i went because some of the women have become really good friends…  even though our schedules don’t always mesh, we do try to get together whenever we can…  i wonder if ed and i ever decide on having another child (highly unlikely… but who knows what the future holds) if i will go through postpartum depression again… maybe, maybe not since every pregnancy is different… 

yesterday was such a traumatic day for ed and me…. he called me around 10:30am to tell me that he was taking shortie to the doctor’s because she got ahold of my eczema cream and decided to have a taste.. needless to say, ed was really upset and concerned.. that morning i took my car to the dealership to get it serviced so i didn’t have a car and i knew that ineeded to be there with them both… otherwise i’d be a mess at work.. my coworker kim was so sweet and offered to take me to the doctor’s so that i could be there.. turned out that they were at the emergency room… when i got there, they had already checked in and the hospital took the medicine and tested it to see what kind of reaction shortie would have…. when we were finally admitted into one of the emergency rooms, the nurse checked shortie’s heart, lungs, etc… and then had me put her in a baby hospital gown… even though i was really freaked out, i had to take a picture of her because it was so darn cute… 

after the doctor came and assured us that she will probably be fine since she threw up so much, he told us to keep an eye on her…  to see if would be nauseous or continued to throw up some more.. how the heck can you tell if a baby is nauseous?  they can’t tell you…  i was so afraid to put her down when she was taking a nap… i either held her the whole time or kept her at an arm’s length just to make sure that she was still breathing or moving…

mother’s day was cool… ed and mila took me to left bank at santana row.. it was a nice restaurant minus the bitchy hostesses at the front…  why are they so freaking rude?  the one hostess that helped us was really nice and accomodating…  when we first went to the hostess station, she checked with the head girl and was told that the wait would be an hour and a half… how the freak can it be an hour and a half wait for tables when there were so many open?  when i asked her she said that they were juggling their wait staff…  that’s fine and dandy and sh*t… but you really will start losing customers that way… that and the way they were treating non-white customers.. i just noticed that there all of the hostess people in the front minus the girl that helped us were treating non-white customers with such contempt and with the white customers they were bending over backwards kissing their asses…  i don’t understand how restaurants stay in business with such crappy people greeting you.. you would think that if a potential customer comes and wants to eat at your establishment, you would at least be a little nicer to them…  that just irked the hell out of me…  mother’s day, i dressed shortie and myself the same…  white tunic shirts, olive green pants and silver shoes!!!  lol… here is the picture that ed took of us… except you can’t see my silver heels and her silver puma bashy shoes…  okay, i can’t get this stupid picture updated… i’ll post it later…

 

 

so i had a conversation with that fool of a friend of mine last night.. i don’t know how much longer we’ll be friends because i really laid it on him thick with the anger and frustration…  he calls me one day last week during quarter end and i had no energy to deal with his crap so i just concentrated on work… to which he writes an email a couple of days later since i didn’t return his phone calls….  how very freaking funny to me… it’s okay that i call him and he never returns my phone calls for weeks and months on end.. but when he calls me and i don’t return his phone call for a couple of days he can get all stupid and crazy and write an email to ask if i got his message?  oh lord… he is deluded…  he can dish it out but he can’t take it…  so i basically told him my anger and frustration of why i resent him and his relationship — due to the fact that everything that i’ve been telling him for the past 12-13 years he only finally figures it out because of the freaking flavor he’s know for a whole 3-4 months — i also told him that he doesn’t take the initiative to do stuff for his friends — he only makes a move after we all contact him first, that he doesn’t own up to his own mistakes but tries to talk  his way out of things…  he asked me what we are supposed to do about it and if i still wanted a friendship with him..  i told him that i honestly couldn’t answer that right now because i don’t know what i want or want to do…  we’ll see…  i am at that point where i don’t care about this anymore.. that if it is salvaged i might do something but i won’t be saddened if this friendship dies.. it has taken too much out of me..  and i will just let things lie now…

i’ve been readingiris chang’s “the chinese in america” lately…  a coworker lentme the book when i told him that i met her once when she wasinterviewing a group of my friends and myself for her book…  weare actually memorialized in the “acknowledgements” page of the book..page 479 to be exact…  when iris decided in november to take herlife, it really hit me hard…  she made an impression on me fromjust speaking to her for a few hours about my experiences as a chineseamerican..  not only that, i personally knew her brother… we met in taiwan in 1994 at chien tan..  i didn’t know she wasgoing through so much after researching all the time for her books.. iguess she really took things she found out to heart…  i justhope that wherever she is that she is somehow at peace..  i guessafter reading about what happened to iris, it has made me really thinkabout mental health, taking time for myself as well as my family andfriends..  i guess everyone just needs to take the time to makesure that they are okay before taking on more tasks…  and askfor help whenever they feel overwhelmed by life or work orfamily… 

i’ve been really pissed off lately… tuesday evening, i had a conversation with someone that i have supposedly been friends with for the past 12-13 years and he just said some shit that really pissed me off… how is he going to let someone he has known basically for 2 months really take precendence over friends who have known him for 12-13 years and have been there for him for so many of the hard times?  that night i let out a lot of pent up anger and frustation that i’ve held for 2 years…. he had the audacity to say that our conversation that night was the first real conversation that we’ve had and that all the conversations prior were just superficial… screw you asshole and the fucking horse you rode in on…  i let him know that i will not tolerate this kind of shit and behavior from him and that he needs to be the one that works at trying to salvage this friendship… i’m done calling and emailing him time and time again only to have ZERO email and phone calls returned,…  the only time he contacts me is when i write scathing emails that threaten to harm him physically… a la poo poo diaper smashing courtesy of mila monster…    if he doesn’t do anything to really work at saving this friendship, then i’m done with him forever… by then i could care less if he called or didn’t call or whatever…  because if he is going to let his new flavor of the moment take precendence over friendship that has been there longer then i don’t need a friend like that… we’ll see… i’m curious to see what is going to happen.. who knows.. he needs to come clean completely about everything…  otherwise he is going to regret it…    if he does and it is just a superficial show of “trying” then i’m going to rip him a new asshole and then some… hehe..   we’ll see..  he better watch where he steps.. who knows what monster has planned for him… “stinking of you.. “  LOL.. i crack me up…  he better realize that friends, true friends will always be there when relationships crumble and fail… cause in the end when you don’t have family nearby, friends begin to fill that role…  we’ll see…

today is a very sad day for me…  i was getting ready for work and what should i see?  a white hair… i’ve never had a white hair ever in my life… and now i do… i am officially an old person….    i showed it to shortie and told her that white hair is a result of my worrying about her all the time… she just looked at me like “whatever mommy” and walked away to watch her sesame street program…  you see… you see the kind of appreciation i do not get from her…. the 9 months of carrying her little butt, giving birth to her, figuring out the whole breastfeeding thing and then this… no appreciation at all…  lol….  i hate growing old… damn that white hair…

oh my god…  mila and i have been so sick for the past week since we got back from la for chinese new year’s…  i’m not sure how we got sick but it has been pretty bad…  i feel worse for her since she is still a shortie and can’t really express how she is feeling except through crying, yelling and throwing tantrums…    anyway, i am here at work for i have no idea what reason…  here is a picture of her in her chi pao… she looks so pretty..

thursday:  skipped out on work cause i was still feeling nauseous and lightheaded and coughing up everything that would be considered internal organs…  went to the jill scott concert later that night with erica….  can i just tell you how close we were to her?  let’s just say that she was so close that i could see the beads of sweat forming at her brow and forehead…  she is so funny and so expressive with her face that it was totally worth the $75 we paid for our seats…. second row from the stage!!!! 

friday:  needless to say i felt worse the next morning after the concert….  i have never felt so sick to my stomach in such a long time… maybe since i was prego with shortie…   just rested and slept as much as i could..

saturday:  had to get the hair coiffed…  $75 later i looked like a million bucks even though i know once i wash my hair i can never recreate the look that angela did… 

sunday: took shortie to get her picture taken at the picture people for ed’s valentine’s day gift…  why is it that she is going through stranger anxiety even if i am there standing near her?  she wouldn’t let me leave her in front of the camera so that the photographer could take her picture….  so i was once again in the picture with her.. it didn’t turn out so bad but i wish to god that it was just her… she’s cuter… i look so tired and old in the picture!!!  argh…  later that night ed, shortie and i went to habana cuba for dinner… it was so yummy…  ed got me a baby blue coach hobo purse for valentine’s day… he’s so sweet… why can’t i be more thoughtful about my gift to him?  eh…  maybe for father’s day…

we were robbed!!!! CAL should have been the ones to be going to the rose bowl instead of ut, austin… how low and classless is it that the coach of ut, austin was begging and pleading on air to give them the votes so they could go to the rose bowl?  seriously… how stupid and whiny is that?  i think it should have been based on how well a team did throughout the whole year rather than it coming down to one game…  i’m so proud of CAL for how well they did this year in football and i am glad that we are going to the holiday bowl even though we should have gone to the rose bowl…  i’m glad to see that coach tedford and qb aaron rodgers were so classy — totally took the high road when they were answering questions about how the team felt…  i guess we’re just going to have to have an awesome game to show the BCS what a huge mistake they made by not having CAL go to the rose bowl…  it was ours for the taking and they screwed it up…  seriously, why is the BCS so messed up?  i know there is always next year… we’ll just have to keep up the momentum from this year and carry it over to next year… 

other than this disappointment, nothing else much… besides shortie walking and running all over the place…  she is starting to actually say things that make more sense…  she says “mama,” “dada,” “hi,” “whoa,” “wow,” and “nai nai” — when she wants milk… it’s so cool… other times she just babbles and ed and i just look at each other and laugh because it’s so cute… 

i haven’t had much time to update… so i guess i’ll just post pics as an update… 

here are some pics of mila during her birthday and baptism….she’s excited about her first birthday cake…

delicious cake mommy!

and now a few of her baptism pics…

here are some other recent pics of her…

miss thing…. aka shortie … took her first couple of steps by herself without holding onto anything on 9/15/04.  i was meaning to post it but i totally forgot.. it was quite a proud moment for me and ed…  he told me that shortie’s babysitter said that she took a couple of steps by herself…  so when he was holding her, he told her to go to me… and then she held onto the couch at first and then let go and took two or three steps towards me…    we were so proud… 

  she looks so happy to be standing up by her little self… 

i guess the stress of planning both shortie’s first birthday and baptism for this weekend is getting to me.. i woke up with a pounding headache that would not go away..  i realized that it was stressed cause my neck is kind of stiff…    oh well..  my boss gave me some peppermint oil and it is making my head feel really woozy… i guess it’s the blood that is flowing through the veins now…  whooo hooo…